Stress, loss of bearings, emotional shock: leaving home can be as destabilizing as a breakup. Our advice to overcome the ordeal, take out the head of water (and cartons) and make friends with his new home.
Moving is often a wrench: 76% of French people see it as a major source of stress, the third after bereavement and dismissal. "Whether it's 20 or 40, alone or with a partner, this has always been a test for me," says Sophie, 61. "I hate these moments of uncertainty, of floating where I feel a little overwhelmed by the events, with boxes full of the show and doubts in his head Is not it too expensive for us? Will we be happy in this new neighborhood? Is it reasonable to start work? at our age? "Beyond the logistics aspect, already difficult to manage, leaving our old place of life and investing a new one upset us, force us to face the anxieties of the past like the fears of the future. How can you make this adventure more positive and make it a stepping stone to a new life? Decryption.
Not easy to close the door ... on his past
To change one's address is to lose one's bearings, to leave a reassuring cocoon in which one has taken time to feel good, to know one's neighbors, to create memories. "There is inevitably a destabilization: it is necessary to deconstruct a place to rebuild another, analyzes Christine Ulivucci, psychoanalyst, psychotherapist and author of Psychogenealogy of places of life (Payot ed.) When you have emptied everything, put your things in boxes, there is a moment of emptiness, of latency, where you can feel quite helpless, without shelter, without a matrix, without a protective envelope. "The move brings us back to the separations of our lives, and sometimes even reactivates the initial separation, that of our birth." This apartment, which I have so much trouble letting, is in a way the belly of my mother. 'is reliving my birth, which went very badly, analysis Elise, 58, who consulted a psychologist to try to understand his "blues move". To leave, for me, is to take a risk of violence, of danger, and that is probably why I have so much trouble to cross the course. "The move resonates differently according to its own history: some could be experienced in their childhood by very frequent changes or periods of separation during which they were entrusted to relatives, others have sometimes inherited a family history marked by exile and uprooting.
What can help: be benevolent with yourself! "A page turns, it's not trivial, comments Marie-Claude Gavard, psychiatrist, psychoanalyst and author of But what's going on in my head? (Marabout ed.) Acknowledging your sentence allows you to overcome it, whereas if you are in denial, you run the risk of repressing it, and experiencing an even more severe depression a few months after the move. "
Painful to give keys to strangers
Who says real estate research, often says sale of the current apartment. The round of agencies then begins and with it, its procession of more or less delicate visitors. In successful television shows like "Search apartment or house" or "House for sale", their sometimes vacuous comments make us smile. But when it is the decor of our living room or our room that they allow themselves to criticize aloud, the pill passes more difficult. "It's way too expensive for what it is!" "If you buy, you really have to break everything ..." We often hear quite disparaging phrases, says Marie-Claude Gavard - who is currently organizing her future installation. It must be prepared because, for some, it can create a very deep narcissistic injury. It's like someone kicking in all their past lives, with tremendous disregard for everything that has been lived in this place for years. "
What can help: take things with humor. You simply do not have the same tastes as your visitors, who would probably benefit from a little more restraint. Also make sure to depersonalize your apartment as much as possible so that they can project themselves there: if you let your belongings hang around at the time of the visits, it is perhaps you who do not want to leave and unconsciously seek to show that you always feel at home.
The fear of emptiness and the overflow of emotions!
Who says departure says cartons. Sorting among the objects, papers, books ... accumulated for years, choosing those that will be carried away and those that are separated forever is nothing trivial. "Sort children's toys, fall back on their old newsletters, photos of our family holidays, postcards received over the years ... This dive in the past, I found it really exhausting, it was like a flood emotions that squeeze my throat permanently, "recalls Pierrette, 64, who took a little time to recover from the sale of his family home. Often, the older you get, the more complicated the move is to live. "At 30 or 40, he responds to a life drive, to exciting projects, sometimes eagerly awaited since childhood: we often offer a bigger space, because we had a promotion or because we have children, Marie-Claude Gavard analyzes.At the age of 60, the move is often undergone more than chosen, usually in a smaller dwelling.The children are gone, the retirement is a bit of a budget or we are looking for a place instead of a house with stairs: it also requires to confront the aging, the regret of the lost youth ... "
What can help: If you need, for lack of space, to separate from furniture or family trinkets, talk to your children, your relatives. For example, send them a list of what you want to give and leave them free of their choices without putting pressure on them. Try to look at it positively: you may be moving to a more modest home, but you will be more comfortable financially, you will be able to spend your money otherwise. And then, it is also an opportunity to prove to you that you are always able to adapt, to reinvent yourself.
The chance to blow up all the locks?
In retirement, the move also sometimes sounds like a new beginning: 31% of the assets plan to move when they stop working (Ipsos, 2,009). To empty oneself, to lighten oneself, is also to allow oneself to open a new chapter of one's life, to free oneself from a few chains of the past. Some exile themselves to the sun to afford a better quality of life, or in their region of origin to find their roots, others are closer to their children and are happy to finally have the time to enjoy their grandchildren ... "It is important to check that the children agree with this rapprochement, suggests Marie-Claude Gavard, but it is not up to them to decide either: they sometimes ask their parents to join them several hundred kilometers to play nannies more often.The important thing is not to alienate, to take stock of his own desires, on what we want to do with his retirement.
What can help: make a list of his projects, his priorities so that he can choose the new accommodation accordingly. If you are moving into a couple, maybe you need a space, even modest, to shelter everyone's hobbies, or a guest room to receive the grandchildren more often, a garden or a balcony for the one who has the green hand ... Moving can also be a chance: to project oneself into a new space also forces one to propel oneself into a new life and to leave behind the chains of the past.